There’s a lotta things that shoulda happened in the 80s. More neon, less leg warmers, and somebody—anybody—should’ve put a cartridge in a box and called it Better Off Dead: The Game. But they didn’t. Some exec in a cheap suit and cheaper tie said no. Probably because he didn’t understand the market. Or because he was too busy sniffing new Coke.
While reminiscing about the 80’s Sci-Fi Posters, it came to mind that video games needed some love as well. So here’s a list of NES games that never saw the light of day but damn well should’ve. Short, sweet, and to the point. Like a good heist. No wasted motion.
1. Better Off Dead: Paperboy of Doom
You play as Lane Meyer, heartbroken ski bum with a death wish and a five-speed. Dodge psycho paperboys, evil jocks, and Howard Cosell-wannabe drag racers. Bonus round? Ski the K-12 before Roy Stalin rubs your face in the snow. Two dollars, man. Two. Freakin’. Dollars.
Gameplay vibe: Paperboy meets SkiFree, but if SkiFree let you beat up the Yeti with a ski pole.
Lane Meyer’s life is circling the drain. His girlfriend dumped him, his mom serves raisins on French toast, and some unhinged paperboy keeps showing up like it’s a John Wick prequel. You don’t have to win. You just gotta survive.
You ride your beat-up Camaro through the suburban apocalypse, dodging random baseball practice, creepy neighbors, and that one kid who built an actual rocket in his garage. If the paperboy catches you? Game over, man. Game over.
Boss fights? Oh, there’s boss fights. Roy Stalin on the K-12, waxing the slope with your dignity. The two Asian brothers in their drag racer, narrating your doom like it’s the Indy 500. And yes, the paperboy gets his own final form. Two dollars times a thousand.
Power-ups:
- French Fries from Pig Burgers (regain health)
- A snarky one-liner from Charles De Mar (temporary invincibility)
You lose? That’s okay. It’s not like things were going great for Lane anyway.
2. MacGyver: The Escape Artist
Every level, you get a piece of gum, a bobby pin, and some chewing gum foil. Your job? Get out of a jam before the bad guys figure out you’re three steps ahead. Oh, and there’s a countdown. Because of course there is. You don’t just win in this game—you MacGyver your way out.
Gameplay vibe: Side-scrolling puzzler. You gotta think—but not too hard, it’s the NES.
Every level, you get a piece of gum, a bobby pin, and some chewing gum foil. Your job? Get out of a jam before the bad guys figure out you’re three steps ahead. Oh, and there’s a countdown. Because of course there is. You don’t just win in this game—you MacGyver your way out.
Gameplay vibe: Side-scrolling puzzler. You gotta think—but not too hard, it’s the NES.
Here’s the setup: They lock you in a warehouse. No exits, three goons on the way, and a timer counting down like it’s prom night and you promised to be home by midnight.
You? You got a paperclip, a shoelace, and a stick of chewing gum. That’s it. No guns. No grenades. Just brainpower and a mullet that won’t quit.
The game makes you think—or at least pretend to think. Combine random junk and hope you don’t blow yourself up. Build a grappling hook out of a toaster and a rubber band. Make a makeshift flamethrower from hairspray and a Bic lighter. If it sounds stupid, it probably works.
The catch? They keep changing the rules. Every level, the timer’s shorter, the guards are meaner, and the junk is… well, junkier. Beat the clock or get caught. Either way, MacGyver’s walking out with a smirk.
Bonus level: Defuse a nuclear bomb with nothing but a bag of marshmallows and a roll of duct tape. Good luck, pal.
3. Weird Science: Digital Dream Date
Gary and Wyatt, two nerds with nothing but a Commodore 64 and raging hormones. If they had an NES they might not of messed things up. They hack reality, build the perfect woman, and predictably everything goes sideways.
In this game? You code your way through social disasters. Misprogram the dream girl? She turns into a banshee and haunts your suburban house party. Forget to install a firewall? Chet mutates into a literal pile of human garbage and wrecks the place. Or creates a TV series of the movie.
Levels:
- Hack the school’s mainframe (but get caught, because of course you do).
- Survive mutant biker invasions.
- Rebuild your dream girl before she snaps her fingers and poofs you into oblivion.
And if any NES game needed the original soundtrack it’s definitely this one!
Bonus: If you manage to not crash the system, you get to ride off in a cherry-red convertible like kings of the nerds. But don’t get cocky—the game crashes more often than Gary’s dating life.
