So there I was, deep in the trenches of Call of Duty, struggling to survive in Hardcore mode, when I heard two familiar voices in my headset. At first, I thought my game was haunted. Then it hit me—I had just loaded into a match with Dr. Phil and Oprah Winfrey.
“Son, you are the worst thing to happen to Call of Duty since Ghosts,” said Dr Phil.
Yes, THE Dr. Phil, the man who has spent decades telling people to “get real,” and Oprah, the most generous woman on television, who once gave away an entire audience’s worth of brand-new pogo sticks (look it up, so true).
I tried to play it cool. “Hey, uh, are you really Dr. Phil?”
“You tell me, sport.“
And then BOOM! I got hit with a grenade launcher. Turns out, they were absolutely ruthless.
Dr. Phil immediately called me out: “Son, you are playing like crap. You gotta take accountability for these terrible kill-death ratios!”
I was getting Home Alone’d out here—completely defenseless against two Hollywood heavyweights setting elaborate traps for my demise. Dr. Phil sniped me from across the map, then threw in a classic:
“How’s that workin’ for ya?”
Not well, Phil. Not well.
“This isn’t flag football, buddy! Get your stats up or log out!”
Meanwhile, Oprah was hyping up the whole lobby like she was giving away new cars:
“YOU GET A HEADSHOT! YOU GET A HEADSHOT! EVERYBODY GETS A HEADSHOT—except you, because he’s terrible at this game! WHO THE HELL LET THIS GUY IN THE LOBBY?! I COULD THROW A GRENADE MORE ACCURATELY THAN HE SHOOTS!””
I barely had time to process the psychological damage before they tag-teamed me into oblivion. Dr. Phil quickscoped me from across the map, and Oprah threw a grenade directly at my dreams. I left that match questioning my entire existence.
Moral of the story? If you ever run into celebrities in Call of Duty, just know that they will absolutely roast you, and no amount of therapy will prepare you for the experience.