Space. The final frontier. Or in this case, the next best thing. Last time, we swapped out the USS Enterprise crew with some off-the-wall TV characters and watched the universe unravel like a cheap VHS tape from Blockbuster’s clearance bin. This time? We’re doubling down on the absurdity, like adding hot sauce to a Klingon’s blood wine.
1. The A-Team (a.k.a. Starfleet? We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Starfleet)
Captain Hannibal Smith sitting in Kirk’s chair, chomping on a stogie that somehow violates 47 intergalactic health codes but no one says anything. Over here we have B.A. Baracus as Chief Engineer? The warp core is held together with duct tape, bad attitudes, and gold chains.
Face is running scams on the Ferengi, and Murdock…well, Murdock’s still in his own head-canon episode, flying imaginary shuttlecraft through Romulan space. These Vietnam veterans have swapped out explosives and the coolest van on Earth for a pimped out starship. This Enterprise doesn’t explore the galaxy—It hustles it.
Resistance isn’t futile. It’s just negotiable.
2. 3rd Rock from the Sun (In Space, No One Can Hear You Overact)
Dick Solomon as captain? He spends more time narrating his feelings into the ship’s log than actually steering the damn thing. But, he feels a bit at home being back in space. If he can just get out of that silly human suit. Sally!!
Sally’s head of security, firing phasers at passing asteroids out of sheer spite and sending anyone to the brig who looks at her sideways. Tommy, the oldest teen ensign in Starfleet history, is running the holodeck like a middle schooler with a crush on Tasha Yar. Hey, don’t judge. Just bring your credits and you’ll have a good time.
The Prime Directive? They don’t even follow the prime numbers.
And Harry? Poor Harry. Still trying to figure out how those automatic sliding doors work.
And the Big Giant Head looks a little familiar…
3. Married… with Children (To Boldly Go Where No Al Has Gone Before—A Paying Job)
Captain Al Bundy, sitting bitterly in his command chair, complaining about Romulan taxes and his lack of respect in the galactic shoe-selling industry. He’s the head of the greatest starship in the Federation but he’s still the unhappy and miserable Al who led Polk High School in rushing back in the day.
Peg as ship’s counselor? That’s a cosmic joke with a wormhole punchline. Just don’t ask her to do any actual work and we’re good.
Bud’s downloading alien Tinder on the mainframe while Kelly accidentally marries a Gorn in Vegas Nine. You know, the usual stuff.
And the Enterprise has never smelled more like burnt TV dinners and lost dreams. Even the Borg took one look and went, “Nah, we’re good.”
4. Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Engage…Cool Cool Cool No Doubt No Doubt)
Captain Holt, cold, efficient, emotionally catatonic…Just like someone else on the original Enterprise.
Jake and Boyle? They’re investigating Tribble smuggling rings and staging Die Hard cosplay in the transporter room. Jake stays in uniform, for the most part, because ties are required.
Rosa’s security detail has Klingons calling her for backup.
And Gina’s taken over the ship’s as Khan, broadcasting dance remixes of Vulcan meditation chants while subtly rewriting the ship’s operating code into an astrology blog.
The galaxy’s safe-ish.
Sorta.
Final Log, Stardate Whatever:
There’s something about tossing these fish out of their sitcom water and into the cold void of space that feels right. Maybe it’s the nihilism of deep space. Maybe it’s the cosmic joke of watching B.A. pity a Romulan. Or maybe, like a bad diner chili, it just hits a certain sweet spot between discomfort and nostalgia.
But if you ask me, space ain’t the final frontier. It’s swapping out the bridge crew until even Spock raises an eyebrow so high it leaves the atmosphere.
Stay tuned for Part 3: Saved by the Bell on the Battlestar Galactica. Or maybe Alf in Firefly. I haven’t decided. I’m too busy beaming down to the bar.