Six Meaningless NFL Games With Extremely Serious Predictions
It’s here. You can feel it. Kinda.
Pumpkin spice everything is in the stores and will be sold out by mid September. I never understood that. Why dump it in August? Anyway, fall is around the corner. You put the little brats back in school and football is here. things are looking good.
The NFL preseason returns Thursday with six games, two national TV windows and roughly 400 players destined to be described as “interesting developmental pieces.” None of the results count, which makes predicting them perfect: enormous confidence, absolutely no consequences.
The AI agents took a swing at the NFL Hall of Fame Game last week and did ok. Now, let’s take it up a notch and expand the predictions to 6 games where most of the stars are on the bench. Still better than most network TV.
All kickoff times below are Eastern. The slate is confirmed by the NFL’s official schedule. And ChatGPT is going to tell you what’s going to happen.
Detroit Lions at Cincinnati Bengals — 7:00 p.m.
Predicted box score
| Team | 1Q | 2Q | 3Q | 4Q | Final |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Lions | 0 | 3 | 3 | 7 | 13 |
| Bengals | 10 | 7 | 3 | 7 | 27 |
The prediction: Bengals 27, Lions 13
Cincinnati plans to give Joe Burrow, Ja’Marr Chase and Tee Higgins at least a little work, while Detroit is resting Jared Goff and most of its starters. The Lions will instead divide quarterback duty between rookie Luke Altmyer and Josh Dobbs, who joined the team recently enough that his playbook may still have that new-car smell. Cincinnati’s starters are expected to play briefly, while Detroit is largely protecting its first unit.
Imaginary stat leaders:
- Joe Burrow: 5-of-6, 63 yards, 1 TD, then immediately wrapped in industrial bubble wrap
- Colbie Young: 4 catches, 58 yards, 1 TD
- Luke Altmyer: 14-of-25, 157 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT
- Josh Dobbs: 6-of-10, 61 yards, three visible moments of “What was that play called again?”
Silly breakdown: Cincinnati’s starters score quickly. The Bengals backups then inherit a lead and spend three quarters protecting it with the football equivalent of beige wallpaper. Detroit rallies late against defenders whose names even their relatives are still learning, but the comeback ends when somebody runs a fourth-down route two yards short of the marker. Football is officially back.
Green Bay Packers at Pittsburgh Steelers — 7:00 p.m., NFL Network
Predicted box score
| Team | 1Q | 2Q | 3Q | 4Q | Final |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Packers | 7 | 3 | 0 | 7 | 17 |
| Steelers | 3 | 7 | 7 | 3 | 20 |
The prediction: Steelers 20, Packers 17
Jordan Love is expected to start for Green Bay. Aaron Rodgers may or may not appear for Pittsburgh after describing preseason as “not real football,” a statement that should deeply inspire every teammate fighting for employment. Rodgers and Mike McCarthy facing Green Bay provides the evening’s nostalgia, assuming Rodgers participates in the nostalgia. His status remained undecided entering the game.
Imaginary stat leaders:
- Jordan Love: 4-of-5, 52 yards, 1 TD
- Will Howard: 9-of-14, 104 yards, 1 TD
- Drew Allar: 6-of-11, 71 yards, 1 INT
- Steelers defense: 4 sacks and one fourth-quarter fumble recovery
Silly breakdown: Love leads a sharp opening drive. Pittsburgh answers with an evening of completely adequate quarterbacking from players trying to become Rodgers’ emergency replacement. The Steelers win on a late field goal after Green Bay’s third-string center snaps the ball with the urgency of someone tossing bread to a duck.
Rodgers watches from the sideline and later confirms that the victory was also not real.
Indianapolis Colts at New England Patriots — 7:30 p.m.
Predicted box score
| Team | 1Q | 2Q | 3Q | 4Q | Final |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Colts | 7 | 3 | 3 | 7 | 20 |
| Patriots | 3 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 24 |
The prediction: Patriots 24, Colts 20
Anthony Richardson Sr. will start and play the entire first half for Indianapolis. Riley Leonard gets the second half while Daniel Jones sits out the preseason. For New England, Tommy DeVito has reportedly built good chemistry with Kyle Williams and Efton Chism. In other words, this game could eventually transform into the Tommy Cutlets Summer Showcase. Indianapolis has announced its quarterback rotation, while New England’s young receivers have performed well with DeVito.
Imaginary stat leaders:
- Anthony Richardson: 8-of-15, 109 yards, 42 rushing yards, 1 TD, 1 turnover
- Riley Leonard: 9-of-16, 88 yards, 1 TD
- Tommy DeVito: 14-of-20, 176 yards, 2 TDs
- Kyle Williams: 5 catches, 74 yards, 1 TD
Silly breakdown: Richardson produces one throw that makes scouts gasp and another that lands near a concession stand. DeVito takes over after halftime and conducts New England’s backup offense like a man who has already made dinner reservations. The Patriots score late and win. Somewhere in New Jersey, an agent begins designing fresh “Tommy Cutlets” merchandise without being asked.
Los Angeles Chargers at Houston Texans — 8:00 p.m.
Predicted box score
| Team | 1Q | 2Q | 3Q | 4Q | Final |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Chargers | 3 | 7 | 3 | 3 | 16 |
| Texans | 7 | 3 | 6 | 7 | 23 |
The prediction: Texans 23, Chargers 16
C.J. Stroud and Houston’s major starters are expected to sit. That leaves Davis Mills and Graham Mertz against Trey Lance and DJ Uiagalelei. This is the rare preseason quarterback battle featuring several recognizable names and no guarantee that recognition will improve the football. Houston is prioritizing its rookies and roster-bubble players.
Imaginary stat leaders:
- Davis Mills: 10-of-14, 121 yards, 1 TD
- Graham Mertz: 8-of-13, 91 yards, 1 TD
- Trey Lance: 11-of-19, 133 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT
- Texans rookie Marlin Klein: 4 catches, 46 yards, 1 TD
Silly breakdown: Mills looks calm and professional, the preseason equivalent of a substitute teacher who actually reads the lesson plan. Lance creates two exciting plays, one alarming play and one play that causes the camera to cut directly to the offensive coordinator.
Houston pulls away late after a special-teams mistake by someone who will spend Friday morning pretending not to refresh the transaction wire.
Arizona Cardinals at Las Vegas Raiders — 8:00 p.m.
Predicted box score
| Team | 1Q | 2Q | 3Q | 4Q | Final |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Cardinals | 7 | 3 | 3 | 7 | 20 |
| Raiders | 7 | 10 | 7 | 3 | 27 |
The prediction: Raiders 27, Cardinals 20
Arizona already played in the Hall of Fame Game, so its backups have something Las Vegas does not: recent experience playing football badly on television. The Cardinals plan to give Jacoby Brissett and the starters up to two series.
The Raiders will play Kirk Cousins and give No. 1 overall pick Fernando Mendoza “plenty of reps,” potentially behind parts of the starting offensive line. Both Raiders quarterbacks are scheduled to appear, while Arizona also intends to use its starters.
Imaginary stat leaders:
- Kirk Cousins: 4-of-6, 47 yards
- Fernando Mendoza: 13-of-19, 168 yards, 2 TDs, 1 INT
- Jacoby Brissett: 5-of-7, 54 yards, 1 TD
- Gardner Minshew: 8-of-14, 83 yards and one mustache-related camera close-up
Silly breakdown: Cousins opens the game by demonstrating that he remains perfectly capable of completing a seven-yard pass for a veteran quarterback salary. Mendoza enters, throws a rookie interception and then rebounds with two touchdowns, triggering several hours of reasonable and measured Raiders discourse.
By Friday morning, at least one Las Vegas radio host will demand Mendoza start immediately and another will suggest trading him before his value drops.
Tennessee Titans at San Francisco 49ers — 9:00 p.m., NFL Network
Predicted box score
| Team | 1Q | 2Q | 3Q | 4Q | Final |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Titans | 7 | 7 | 3 | 7 | 24 |
| 49ers | 3 | 3 | 0 | 7 | 13 |
The prediction: Titans 24, 49ers 13
Tennessee plans to play nearly everyone, giving viewers a look at second-year quarterback Cam Ward and rookie receiver Carnell Tate. The 49ers are expected to protect most of their important starters. Tennessee is also favored, which proves bookmakers have bravely researched which team intends to use its good players. The Titans’ early depth chart lists Ward and Tate as starters, and San Francisco is expected to use few starters in the opener.
Imaginary stat leaders:
- Cam Ward: 6-of-8, 76 yards, 1 TD
- Carnell Tate: 3 catches, 49 yards, 1 TD
- Mitchell Trubisky: 9-of-14, 102 yards, 1 TD
- Titans defense: 5 sacks against linemen identified during the broadcast mainly by college
Silly breakdown: Ward and Tate connect for an early touchdown and immediately become the future of football in Tennessee. By the second quarter they are safely on the sideline, leaving Trubisky to guide the offense through familiar territory: a nationally televised game with unclear stakes.
San Francisco rests nearly everyone you tuned in to see. The broadcast spends seven minutes discussing Brock Purdy while showing him holding a tablet. Tennessee wins comfortably, Robert Saleh says the team “showed good energy,” and absolutely nothing learned survives Labor Day.
Final predictions
| Matchup | Pick |
|---|---|
| Lions at Bengals | Bengals 27–13 |
| Packers at Steelers | Steelers 20–17 |
| Colts at Patriots | Patriots 24–20 |
| Chargers at Texans | Texans 23–16 |
| Cardinals at Raiders | Raiders 27–20 |
| Titans at 49ers | Titans 24–13 |
These predictions are legally classified as entertainment and spiritually classified as reckless optimism.