NFL Video Store: Week 1 Brought Sequels, Jump Scares, and Absolutely No Refunds
Sunday, September 13, 2026 · Afternoon and early-evening edition. Twelve games are final.
Remember walking into a video store and choosing between an action movie, a comedy, and something that looked promising but turned out to be a complete waste of your Sunday? The NFL has graciously brought that experience back. All we need is a laminated membership card and someone charging us $4.99 for returning the Browns.
For this week’s rentals, we’re matching every Sunday game with the ’80s, ’90s, or early-2000s pop-culture reference it earned. Some teams delivered a blockbuster. Others should have gone straight to the bargain bin. Be kind. Rewind. Lower your expectations.
Seahawks 13, Patriots 10 (Wed) : The Blair Witch Project, Now With Shoulder Pads
A Super Bowl LX rematch on a Wednesday night, and the league marketed it like a blockbuster. The Patriots heard rumors there was a win in the dark woods, where a mighty being once lived.
What it actually delivered: ninety minutes of very little happening while everyone in the building got progressively more frightened. Drake Maye threw three interceptions, Drew Lock engineered a comeback, and the final score looked like a shaky handheld camera pointed at the woods. Nothing happens, it costs almost nothing to make, and somehow it works. Go Hawks!
49ers 27, Rams 7 (Thur) : Road House
Pain don’t hurt, but jet lag does. The Rams outthought themselves in a visit down under that required 127 hours of flights, but the Rams researched it for 2 years to figure out they just need to show up before the game and hit the field. But, they got instead a 20-point NFC West beating on national television. Well, Netflix.
This was the bar fight scene, and the Rams were the guy who thought he was going to be in the bar fight scene. Thursday night football exists so one team can be Swayze and the other can be the furniture.
Bears 59, Panthers 37: NBA Jam, Now With Shoulder Pads
Chicago scored 59. Carolina scored 37 and still lost by 22. Caleb Williams accounted for four touchdowns, while D’Andre Swift ran for three more. Apparently, somebody found the turbo button and taped it down. Game recap.
This was NBA Jam with a larger medical staff. Every possession needed a flaming ball and an announcer losing his mind. Bryce Young’s three touchdown passes deserved a competitive game. Instead, Carolina’s defense supplied the complimentary layup line. Scoring 37 should earn you something besides a sad ride home.
The highest-scoring Week 1 game in NFL history, which is a sentence that should come with a sound effect. Caleb Williams became the first Bear ever to post 200-plus passing yards, two passing scores, 50-plus rushing yards and two rushing touchdowns in a single game, and D’Andre Swift added three rushing touchdowns on 124 yards just to run up the cabinet. Ben Johnson has entered Year 2 and apparently unlocked the cheat code where the ball catches fire and the rim stops mattering. Carolina scored 37 points and lost by 22, which in this metaphor means they were also on fire and it did not help.
Bills 36, Texans 31: Die Hard With a Buffalo Accent
Josh Allen led a 96-yard winning drive, finding Joshua Palmer for a 34-yard touchdown with 1:36 left. Buffalo then sealed it with a strip-sack of C.J. Stroud. Houston was close enough to smell the victory formation. Game recap.
Allen spent the ending doing the football version of John McClane crawling through an air vent. The plan was falling apart, the clock was a problem, and somehow the guy refused to leave. Houston made the classic action-movie mistake: assuming the hero was finished before the credits rolled.
Lions 31, Saints 30 (OT): Press Your Luck, Ford Field Edition
Detroit led 21-0, then needed overtime and a stop on New Orleans’ two-point attempt to escape. Tyler Shough threw for 410 yards, turning a comfortable Lions afternoon into an emergency breathing exercise. Game recap.
New Orleans got to overtime, scored, and then went for two instead of taking the tie. Big money, big money, no Whammies. The conversion failed, the Lions won by one, and somewhere a man in a 1983 sport coat is still explaining that you could have passed.
Jahmyr Gibbs ran for 156 yards and two scores and was somehow the third-most interesting thing about the afternoon. Saints fans got the full emotional package, from hopelessness to belief to staring silently at the television. The Lions got a win and a strong reason to avoid celebrating three-touchdown leads before dinner.
Jaguars 34, Browns 10: Groundhog Day, but the Groundhog Wants a Trade
Trevor Lawrence threw four touchdown passes and Jacksonville built a 31-0 lead before easing off, generating five sacks along the way. Deshaun Watson threw an early interception, and Cleveland’s eventual touchdown arrived after the competitive portion had largely packed up. Game recap.
Cue the alarm clock from Groundhog Day. New season. Fresh optimism. Same sensation of stepping directly into an icy puddle. Jacksonville looked organized and efficient. Cleveland looked like a franchise that hit “restart” and discovered it hadn’t deleted the old save file. Deshawn Watson is still there. You can’t change that! At least Bill Murray eventually learned something.
Steelers 20, Falcons 13: Ishtar
Atlanta scored 13 points. Enormous budget, two leads who on paper should work beautifully together, and a finished product that not one person involved will ever be asked to defend in public again. Ishtar is a deep VHS cut, but anyone with a VHS Player knows about it’s legacy.
Pittsburgh was not good either, to be clear. Aaron Rodgers threw for 221 yards and a touchdown in what he insists is his final season opener, and the play that actually decided it was T.J. Watt returning an interception for a score, which is the roadie stepping out from behind the amps and being the best musician on stage. The Steelers won this game by the narrow margin of not being the more expensive mistake. Game recap.
Overall, an overhyped viewing experience not worth the cost of admission or the budget.
Bengals 33, Buccaneers 27: Home Alone, With Tampa Playing Both Burglars
Tampa Bay lost four fumbles, including three by Baker Mayfield. Cincinnati turned three first-half fumbles into touchdowns, then leaned on Evan McPherson’s kicking to finish the job. Game recap.
The Buccaneers spent the afternoon reenacting Home Alone. Slip on the steps. Take a paint can to the face. Get up and immediately locate another rake. Cincinnati deserves credit for cashing in, but Tampa brought the traps, installed them, and provided a demonstration. Ball security apparently got left at the airport with Kevin.
Jets 23, Titans 10: Be Kind, Rewind. Now, With a Functioning Jets Offense
Geno Smith completed 19 of 24 passes for 215 yards in his Jets return. He’s played in NY three times now and each is a trippy riff of what could have been. Breece Hall added 102 rushing yards as New York controlled the ball for nearly 39 minutes and spoiled Robert Saleh’s Tennessee debut. Game recap.
Whatever uniform Geno is in, this marks the first win on opening day for the Jets in over a decade. Somewhere, Chad Pennington is thrilled. Titans fans might want to check the wiring on their team bus. Their offense spent most of the afternoon struggling to reach parking-lot speed.
Ravens 41, Colts 23: Andre the Giants, Wrestlemania III
Derrick Henry ran for 144 yards and three touchdowns and moved into third place on the all-time rushing touchdown list.
He is not a technician. He is not fast. Neither of those has ever been remotely the point. This is the moment in the broadcast where the announcer stops calling the match and starts describing the man, in a lowered voice, as though the camera has caught something prehistoric. Indianapolis scored 23 and lost by 18, which is what happens to everyone who books this main event believing the tape study will save them. Game recap.
Vikings 39, Packers 22: The Replacements Forgot to Tell Green Bay
After Kyler Murray exited with a concussion, Carson Wentz threw three touchdown passes. Minnesota erased a 22-10 deficit with 29 unanswered points, aided by two crucial defensive takeaways. Game recap.
Somewhere along the way, this became The Replacements. The backup got the hero’s entrance, and Green Bay discovered it had been cast as the team standing around during the inspirational montage. Packers fans started with a lead and ended with Carson Wentz starring in their personal straight-to-video horror movie. That’s a rough genre change.
Meanwhile, JJ sits in the booth and sheds a tear.
Cardinals 26, Chargers 14: Office Space and Another Case of the Chargers
Arizona got 277 passing yards from Jacoby Brissett, four Chad Ryland field goals, a blocked punt, and a key fourth-quarter interception. The Cardinals won Mike LaFleur’s head-coaching debut with contributions across the roster. Game recap.
The Chargers’ afternoon had Office Space energy. Plenty of workplace activity. Somehow the printer was still on fire. Arizona handled the paperwork, collected the points, and went home. Los Angeles gets to spend Monday explaining how several departments independently decided to make everyone’s job harder. Better attach the cover sheet.
Raiders 27, Dolphins 13: Ocean’s Eleven, Except Jeanty Did Most of the Heavy Lifting
Kirk Cousins threw three touchdown passes, two to Ashton Jeanty, who also rushed for 102 yards. Las Vegas sacked Malik Willis five times and held Miami to two conversions on ten third-down attempts. Game recap.
A Vegas operation built around a veteran organizer and a talented crew? Fine, we’ll rent Ocean’s Eleven. Cousins handled the briefing while Jeanty moved the money. Miami appeared to be the casino security team watching yesterday’s footage. The Raiders weren’t flawless, but they left with the suitcase.
Eagles 24, Commanders 22: Legends of the Hidden Temple, Shrine of the Silver Monkey
Jalen Hurts threw three touchdown passes and Philadelphia won its sixth consecutive opener after stopping Washington’s late two-point attempt. Washington cleared every room. Washington collected the pendants, outran the Temple Guards, got all the way to the final assembly with the clock running and then could not seat the middle piece of the monkey. It is always the middle piece. Nobody has ever explained why the middle piece is like that. Game recap.
The Eagles survived, although “technically alive” probably wasn’t the phrase fans wanted on the opening-week commemorative T-shirt.
I mean, how obscure is this reference?
Leave a Reply