“Honest Abe’s Guide to Streaming, Selfies, and Skipping Congress”
So, uh… Abraham Lincoln just showed up. Looks like someone got their hands on the “What If Machine.” Like poof—right in front of the Target electronics section. And yes, he still has the stovepipe hat. Apparently, time-travel side effects include zero chill and an unshakeable desire to narrate everything like a Ken Burns documentary.
Naturally, we tried to ease him in slowly. That lasted six minutes.
Abe’s First Impressions of 2025:
- “Everyone’s taking daguerreotypes of themselves. Are they all running for office?”
- “Why are pants so tight? Have the looms shrunk?”
- “I was handed a beverage called ‘Celsius’ that tasted like lightning and gunpowder. I did not sleep for 36 hours while scrolling TikTok the entire time. I ran out of Cheetos about halfway through.”
- “They cured polio. But they still let people willingly eat gas station sushi. We are a nation of contradictions.”
- “These ‘Amazon packages’ arrive faster than cavalry and with fewer casualties.”
- “I was offered a pumpkin spice latte in April. Burn it.”
After mistaking Alexa for a witch and trying to debate her into submission, Abe made himself at home by:
- Reading the Constitution out loud in a Starbucks.
- Getting kicked out of a Spirit Halloween for calling the costumes “mildly offensive and historically inaccurate.”
- Challenging our Uber driver in a Rivian to a fistfight over what he called “balloon chariots without horses.”
What Abe Likes in 2025:
- Avocados. He called them “nature’s butter cannonballs.”
- Streaming documentaries, though he insists on yelling, “I KNEW HIM!” every time a Civil War general pops up.
- Crocs. “Like a boot, but so comfortable.”
What Abe Hates in 2025:
- Congress. “They’re still here?”
- Selfies. “Narcissus has infected the nation.”
- The fact that his vampire-slaying legacy was only semi-true and turned into a movie no one watched sober.
We tried getting him into a Rivian, but he insisted it was a haunted carriage and started reciting the Gettysburg Address to “calm the spirits.” “Four score and seven memes ago, I had no idea what was happening. Now I’m subscribed to a podcast called ‘Murder N’ Muffins’ and I want to go home.”
Later, he tweeted—yes, tweeted—this gem:
Just saw a man touch a screen on a soda fountain because it “ran out of Dr Pepper.”
This is not the union I preserved.
#TimeTravelProblems
Tried to pay with a $5 bill.
The cashier stared at me.
I stared back and offered to autograph it for him.
Now I’m banned from CVS.
#Awkward
Watched a “documentary” called Future Man on Hulu.
Time travel, sex robots, and James Cameron gets murdered?
I now question everything.
Especially my subscription.
#ThisIsNotKenBurns
Took up surfing.
Wiped out six times.
Called the ocean “a slippery assassin.”
But I stood up once… and yelled “Emancipate THIS!”
#GnarlyGettysburg
Final Thoughts:
If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, he’d definitely be the guy writing overly long Yelp reviews for museums and correcting your grammar on Reddit. But he’d also be the only influencer who could rock a top hat and end every post with “Yours in liberty, Abe.”
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