Bond has been a suave Scotsman, a smoldering Irishman, and whatever Timothy Dalton was doing in 1989. But as we look toward the future, it’s time to think outside the Aston Martin. Why are we stuck with stuffy Brits? What about some Americans?
As the Bond folks look for a new Bond, let’s explore five modern American actors who should absolutely not be James Bond—but I’d love to imagine if they were.
1. Danny DeVito
License to Squint
The tux? Ill-fitting. The mission? Misunderstood. The man? Pure menace, waddling into MI6 with a pastrami sandwich in one hand and an unpinned grenade in the other. Uncle Frank gets day drunk and handsy with Money Penny. His Bond doesn’t chase villains—he lures them into traps using beef jerky and unhinged rants about toll booths. “Shaken or stirred?” he yells. “I drink Beer, sweetheart!”
“He’s short. He’s scrappy. He’s 007 inches of pure chaos.”
- Title: “License to Squint”
- Starring: Danny DeVito as James Bond
- Co-Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger as the villainous “Dr. Flex,” a bodybuilder with a vendetta against carbs.
- Directed by: The Russo Brothers
- Coming Soon: To a theater near you, assuming MI6 doesn’t shut it down first.
Rated R for nudity. So much nudity from DeVito. Good God, why?
2. Pete Davidson
007-Eleven
This Bond has neck tattoos, trust issues, and no idea why he’s in MI6 or even where he’s at in any given scene. He makes zero effort to hide his identity—introducing himself as “Bond, James Bond… a super secret spy. You’ve probably never heard of me.”
Q gives him a smartwatch, and he immediately uses it to text memes to a Prince Harry. Seduction scenes are mostly him talking about how he “dated some weirdly famous people” while lighting a cigarette with a gadget he forgot was also a smoke bomb. Cool.
Metro-Goldwyn-Chillmeyer Pictures presents
A Totally Serious Spy Film™ production
PETE DAVIDSON in
“007-ELEVEN”
Featuring
Taylor Swift as herself
Jason Momoa as The Snackmaster General
Bill Hader as Q
Doja Cat as Bond’s ex who keeps texting
Costume Design by the Urban Outfitters Clearance Rack
Music by Chainsmokers feat. Hans Zimmer
Director of Photography: Someone’s Cousin with an iPhone 14 Pro
Written by Pete Davidson’s group chat
Directed by Edgar Wright
Rated R for language, vaping, and complete lack of espionage.
3. Seth Rogen
The Bong Who Loved Me
He’s got a license to chill. Rogen’s Bond is high, confused, and probably still using the old MI6 AOL account. His gadgets include a vape that doubles as a stun gun and a pleather trench coat that smells like Dior Fahrenheit.
Seduction scene? “So, uh… you like Hot Pockets?”
The iconic Bond laugh becomes his laugh—an unholy mix of coughing and existential joy. Villains don’t fear him, they just sort of… give up. Except one guy named Craig who really gets into it and becomes his best friend.
CineDank Studios & Pineapple Expressions proudly blaze forth
SETH ROGEN in
“THE BONG WHO LOVED ME”
With
Awkwafina as Mary Jane Goodheart
Jonah Hill as Bloatedfeld
RZA as Q
Paul Rudd as a CIA guy who keeps getting high accidentally
Explosions by some dudes named Kyle. There’s more than one
Wardrobe by Kohl’s
Score by Wiz Khalifa feat. John Williams (he doesn’t know yet)
Written, Directed & Lightly Baked by Seth Rogen
Executive Producer: The Ghost of Roger Moore
Rated R. For all the F-bombs.
4. Michael Cera
Live and Let Uhh…,
Every mission is a panic attack in a tuxedo. Michael Cera’s Bond apologizes to villains for being “kind of up in your space.” This Bond holds his Walther PPK like it might be sticky, and only escapes situations by confusing people into letting him go. His Bond girl ends up comforting him.
M regrets everything. Q gives him a gadget that’s just a paperclip and says, “Don’t hurt yourself.”
Live and Let Uhh…, featuring Michael Cera as the most confused 007 to ever apologize his way out of a shootout.
A Nervous Shrug Studios Production
MICHAEL CERA in
“LIVE AND LET UHH…”
Featuring
Maya Hawke as Agent Softshell
Ken Jeong as Q (he only builds gadgets out of leftover IKEA parts)
Jason Bateman as M (and he’s a total dad-like smart-ass. You know why)
Jason Schwartzman as Nigel Naptime, the villain who just wants to take over Netflix
Music by: Panic! At the MI6
Cinematography: A GoPro on a golden retriever
Wardrobe by: GapKids, but ironic
Written by: Michael Cera’s improv group
Directed by: Greta Gerwig’s rebellious cousin, Gerta
Rated G for mild peril, emotional stammering, and an extended scene where Bond debates which tea to order.
5. Steve Buscemi
For Your Bugged-Out Eyes Only
Yes, he looks like he’s either undercover or hasn’t slept since 1993. Buscemi’s Bond is edgy, twitchy, and maybe part ghost. He never blinks. He just appears behind villains whispering “You ever think about bees?” He’s not so much suave as he is unsettling. Honestly, he might be the villain. Or the villain’s uncle. Either way, the world gets saved and nobody sleeps soundly afterward.
Presented by AnxietyScope Pictures and Paranoia Films
STEVE BUSCEMI in
“FOR YOUR BUGGED-OUT EYE ONLY”
With
Aubrey Plaza as Agent No Thanks
Giancarlo Esposito as Professor Whisper, a villain who only talks in ASMR
Jeff Goldblum as Q (every gadget comes with a philosophical tangent)
Margot Robbie as the quadruple-agent love interest who might be imaginary
Score by: Trent Reznor feat. Britney Spears
Production Design by: Twin Peaks but British
Edited by: A team of cracked-up interns
Written and choreographed by: Wes Anderson
Directed by: Chan-wook Park
Rated R for existential dread, prolonged eye contact, and a flashback that’s just an old Quiznos commercial.
The Bottom Line:
We could cast another cookie-cutter tuxedo jockey with abs you could iron a shirt on… or we could give the role to someone who’d absolutely set the MI6 bathroom on fire by mistake.